We were told that we needed to consider calling in hospice. We had dinner at my brother's house, and all seemed well. I felt that he had given up, but I wasn’t ready to. I needed my church friends, but I was more real with the chat friends.At that point, I saw the light go out in Rudy’s eyes, he had given up. In the Summer of 2004, I flew out of state to secretly meet with a man I met online.We had remained close even after her divorce from Dad. I was sleeping around and working as a waitress at a strip club. I began to give him control of every aspect of my life to the point I made him my god.

We went out for a while, and then I moved in with him. I wanted more from our relationship and got tired of his unwillingness to commit, so I decided to move to Oklahoma to live with my stepmom. I felt that I could “hide” with him, and let him deal with the hard things of my life.

I was taken from my family and put in a group home.

I was asked several times if I just wanted to go back home.

Rudy and I began to attend church together and sought marriage counseling. Rudy and I worked together in children’s ministry and were really impacted by the simple stories. My life changed forever on Valentine's Day of 2003. I could escape reality at least for a little while with these online relationships, and I could pretend to be someone else. Morning came, but I didn’t realize how bad things were for him. That evening hospice came, and so did a great support system, our church. I was so overwhelmed because I couldn’t take care of us. Everything seemed okay, so I went into the kitchen to get ready for our next wave of visitors. I ignored it because I thought I was losing my mind. I went to get my bible to find something to read over Rudy, but the voice told me to put it down. He struggled to breathe and then let out a gasp and was gone. Over the next months, I chose to deal with my pain and grief by leading a double life.

Through marriage counseling, we learned about communication and about trust. Although I had prayed to receive Christ when I was five through the ministry of a lovely neighborhood woman, I had never really had a relationship with God. About a year later we got a call from the doctor who asked to meet with us. When Sunday came, Rudy got up early and beat me in getting dressed and ready to go to church. I was only aware of how much effort it was taking for me. I went into the room with my husband and told him it was okay to go, and that we all loved him. I was instantly full of anguish and began to scream so loudly that my neighbor heard my cries. I was going to church and acting like I was okay, but I was continuing to go to chat rooms forming new sexual friendships online.