Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 ― chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.) So what is love ― real, lasting love? What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others.
" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding." To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all.
Well the truth is that she’d be right to think there’s no future… This is a huge reason why I’m always encouraging the readers here to have fun and fulfillment in their life outside of their relationship – the biggest reason is that when we have idle time to think about our relationship, it can be easy to go into “fantasy” land about the relationship and create conflict and problems in our mind where there is none. If you love him, accept him exactly as he is now and don’t “need” him to be or act differently. I’m talking about something that you NEED and couldn’t live without in the relationship.
because there never really is any future to begin with. the “future” is just an idea or image we have in our head about how things should be or how we want things to be or how we expect things to be. And if you can’t accept him and you absolutely must have him be different than he is now, then let him know what you need and if he can’t give it to you… You know that you NEED something in your relationship if breaking up seems better than continuing a relationship where your need isn’t met.
Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person." Every hand went up. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.
At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David." Susan was a bit dubious.
"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated.
And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. Do I stay with the man I love more than anything in this world?This may sound like a downer statement, but it really isn’t.Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone?The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most.